Confessional No.1
Can we be honest for a second?
This week, everyone seems to be in a bit of slump. Nothing overly concerning, but the sparkle and glow of the New Year seems to have worn off– all the bloggers I love and follow have posted confessions of tiredness, feeling creative pressure, expressing a desire to hide and refresh. That makes sense– 2012 was such a massive year for so many of us, we’re all probably intimidated by the promise and potential for 2013. And after our huge surge of excitement and energy, a week of exhaustion and worry makes sense.
california reflections, by John.
I have a lot of insecurity and anxiety– don’t we all?– and in an effort to be more transparent and bring real life to the blogworld, I think it should be aired. Not in a complaining, woe-is-me kind of way, but in an honest and truthful way. We all probably have the same issues floating around our heads, and finding a way to talk about it in a healthy and productive way has the potential to be so cathartic.
Sunday: a day to refresh, renew, recommit ourselves to the week ahead. Some confessions–>
1. Facebook is my abusive boyfriend. And I can’t break away. Going on Facebook is hit or miss for me. I can see the same posts– bragging about a new job or project, announcing an engagement, showing off baby pictures– and have completely different reactions. Most of the time, I’m happy and “liking” and commenting on beautiful things. Other times… I’m so, so jealous. I want a baby. I want to brag about new projects. I want to post beautiful pictures and show off how fabulous my life is. I scold myself– “If you want to be successful, you need to create beautiful, good things!” That line of thinking works about 75% of the time. I think every other time I check Facebook, I find something to be jealous about. It’s so unhealthy and so stupid, but it’s true. I am jealous of your Facebook activity and it is my main source of insecurity and “I’m just not good enough” anxieties.
1a. I’ve been obsessively checking Twitter stats. It’s quite unhealthy. The fluctuation of follower numbers is the most heartbreaking thing and can plunge me into immediate anxiety– why did my number drop 3 followers from last night? How many followers does she have? Why? What can I do to sound effortlessly witty? How do I keep this number up? So, so stupid.
2. I hate my haircut. I took a risk, did something I’ve been craving for so long– I chopped all my hair off. It started to grow out and, in an effort to be super hip and save money, I had John trim it up for me. Now, it’s growing out again and it’s shapeless. It’s terrible. I can’t do anything nice with it. It makes me feel ugly. All I need is to schedule a proper cut again, but that leads into the next confession…
3. I can’t get through my to-do list. I have so many fun projects on the horizon; I have great ideas I want to implement; I have basic life things to take care of and I just can’t do it. I usually respond well to lists, but this past week, I was terrible. I couldn’t get anything done I really needed to do. I need to respond to emails. I need to schedule shoots and features. But for some reason, reading my Google Reader, watching Walking Dead, or doing nothing has felt more appealing. I need to get back on it this week, or I’ll dig myself into a terrible, terrible hole.
4. I’m jealous of your engagement. I know– I had my perfect wedding, I’m married to the most amazing, gorgeous, wonderful man. Marriage is grand. But I want to do it again. I want to be engaged! I want to plan a wedding. I want to be a bride again. I’m happy for you, but mostly I’m just seething with jealousy at the wedding planning adventures you’re embarking on.
5. I’m a terrible housewife. This is the main source of trouble for John and me. I hate cleaning. I’m “not good” at cleaning. I just have no interest in it. And there are things he expects of me that I just can’t do. I get through one load of laundry and instead of feeling energized to finish up our heaping pile of clothes to be washed, I stop. I do one rack of dishes and leave the sink, still full, for days. I try listening to podcasts while I clean, rewarding myself afterwards, taking mini-breaks… but I just can’t be bothered or find the motivation to clean. Then I feel guilty and John gets upset (he’s a clean freak). I’m praying for the day when we can afford some hired help. In the meantime… I don’t know what to do.
I realize these are all so insignificant– “first world problems”– but at the same time, it feels good to let it out. It’s a brand new year and it’s silly to keep these kinds of things locked up– it only leads to bigger, more dramatic break downs later. Do you have any insecurities? Is there anything you need to purge out of your emotional system? It’s Sunday, a holy day, a day for reflection– be honest with yourself and really examine what’s making you tick right now. It’s the first step to making improvements and moving forward!
January 13, 2013 at 4:57 pm, Liz said:
Just know everyone goes through these times. I think it’s true when people say that comparison is the thief of joy, just look at all you do create and accomplish. Keep your chin up, Steph. Plus my mom always said housework makes you ugly
January 13, 2013 at 5:06 pm, Stephanie Marie said:
> Thank you sweet Liz! Wise words and it felt great to get some stuff off my chest. By the way, I love your mom…
January 13, 2013 at 6:04 pm, Annie said:
First of all {{{hugs}}}}. I totally get the feelings of frustration and inadequacy and doubt. But you’re also doing a variety of amazing and awesome things–helping people have the happiest day of their lives via wedding planning, being a kickass athlete, and sharing coolness with people via Fete. I know it’s hard to remember all the good things when you’re feeling stuck/upset, but all of that is there too.
My Sunday confessions: I haven’t been pushing myself running-wise; I’m tired ALL THE TIME; I’m super jealous of people who write full-time and don’t have day jobs.
January 13, 2013 at 11:46 pm, Stephanie Marie said:
> Oh Annie, thanks for sharing! I wish we lived closer, so we could hook up for runs! I feel you with the “tired all the time” syndrome– that sounds exactly like what I was going through all week. YOU are a rockstar and I am every day in awe of the beautiful writing you put out into the world– you are going to make some big waves once Queen of the Air hits bookshelves
January 13, 2013 at 7:14 pm, MamaJ said:
Sounds like John married his mom! I hate housework & his dad was a neat freak! Give me a call for some hindsight suggestions!
Love to you, Mama J
January 13, 2013 at 11:47 pm, Stephanie Marie said:
> Love ya Mama J!! I think you’re absolutely right. Call you this week!
January 13, 2013 at 7:23 pm, Frances@Lila said:
hey stephanie.
you are not alone.
i’m feeling like such a blah-face today! i want to go shopping and wear cute clothes and go to parties. i want a baby. i want to be engaged and plan a wedding. i want to go wedding dress shopping. i’m spending too much time on pinterest and facebook. my blog makes me discouraged about myself. i can’t decide whether to dread my hair or chop it off but nevertheless i hate it right now. i’m bored by cooking and i don’t want to clean my house at all.
basically – i feel you girl!
call me if you want to vent and then think of productive ways to make positive changes.
xo
f
January 13, 2013 at 11:48 pm, Stephanie Marie said:
> Oh Frances. I’m glad we’re in this together! New places, new lives, new challenges. We can do this!! Letting it all out is probably the best thing we can do… here’s hoping we get a massive burst of energy and excitement this week!
And the baby/cute clothes/wedding planning… oh, I feel you. I want it ALL.
January 14, 2013 at 5:25 pm, S.R. said:
First, you are not alone. Second, here are things that have helped me with similar feelings…
1. I’ve seen the quote a few times lately but re: facebook … “Don’t compare your behind the scenes to someone else’s highlight reel.”
2. Ugly is not even in the same realm as you. You are gorgeous. And your hair — the one thing you can count on is it won’t stay the same. Even if you do nothing. This too will pass.
3. Maybe scale back from being hard on yourself for not getting THROUGH the to do list and just set a goal of doing one thing on the to do list. Also… it’s ok to have “relax and do nothing” on the list. It’s a fun one to get accomplished.
4. There are always going to be things to want. But if you focus too much on those, you’ll miss the things you have now. One day, you won’t be a newlywed anymore and you’ll be jealous of someone else’s newlywed status. Busy yourself with enjoying where you are. As a fellow list lover, make a list of the things that are cool about being a newlywed. Or if you need help – get a single friend and a long time married friend to make lists for you of what they think would be/was cool about newlywed status, and you tell them what you envy about their status. Turn what is feeling a bit negative into positive support for someone else.
5. Kind of like #3. Start small. Start off just doing one dish each time you walk past. One little dish. Or put on your favorite song and clean just for that one song and then you get to stop.
Let’s catch up soon!