Fitness Poll: When Should We Have A Baby?
image via pretty stuff
Okay– so this isn’t really a poll, per say. But the headlining topic is one that I’ve been pondering on ever since John and I took the plunge into marriage. It’s safe to say that I always knew I wanted to be married young; starting a family when I was young (young = mid-20s, to me) was always part of my ideal life plan as well. But my current choice of careers has forced me to put the breaks on the baby-maker– and I’m not sure how I feel about that.
My day job is professional runner. That means every day, I wake up and go to practice. Most days, I go to practice again at night. I travel, I train in different locations, I race. The only goal of my job is to make US teams– the Olympic team or the World Championship team. With the end of each Olympic Games comes a new “cycle:” you have the opportunity to make 2 World teams and an Olympic team during the next cycle with ONE YEAR “off” (no championship team to aim for).
image via Che and Fidel
So what does that really mean? It means that if you’re serious about running and want to give yourself the best possible chance to make the next Olympic team, you have to be serious all four years leading up to it. If you’re a woman in her twenties who wants to start a family, you have a very limited window (that one off year). If you can push out a baby in your “off” year, find the motivation and willpower to get back into AMAZING race shape the next year, and stick to it during the Olympic year, you have an okay shot at making the team. Some women come back from pregnancy quickly and with more strength than they had before; others… fall in love with motherhood, don’t have the discipline to train at the level they used to, and don’t ever run professionally again. I fear that I’m in that latter category, discipline-wise.
Should we rush and try to have a baby in my off year– that would be 2014– or should we wait until after the next Olympics in 2016?
image source unknown
Here’s what I’m worried about: how young (or how old) I should be when we start having kids. I’m not going to lie– our ages (when it comes to childbearing) gives me constant anxiety. I’m 24; John is 30. Let me give you the run down:
-We are healthy (but not perfect) athletes and have been extremely active for the past few decades. I run and exercise every day all year, with a few days off a few times a month and one longer break once a year. John exercises every day, except when he’s (often) injured. Nevertheless, the man is the epitome of fit and I almost don’t think he can gain weight.
-We come from fairly healthy families. John’s father had six children; his mother, five. John was a twin, so he was born a bit premature, but he and his (professional triathlete) brother are golden boys: effortlessly fit and healthy. My parents had three children (although my mom had my youngest brother when she was 30-31; she knocked us all out fairly early). The only health problems in my extended family come from a few cousins, with fathers not in my direct bloodline. John’s entire extended family seems pretty healthy, although I don’t know everyone’s exact history.
-I distinctly remember hearing a report my first year of college on how fathers over the age of 35 have a higher chance of fathering autistic kids. This is what I fear the most. John is now 30; if we wait until he’s in his mid-30s, could our risks of having a sick child be higher? Similarly, I read everywhere different opinions on how old mothers should be; 35 seems to be the general date when you need to really get to work if you want a chance to have healthy kids.
Bottom line: if we wait until post-2016-Olympics, I will be 28. John will be 34. Are we too old to have a large family of healthy kids? (For the record, I want 5 kids). Will I have to pump them out for 5 years in a row to avoid that scary 35 age limit? John would be nearly 40 then– is that a danger zone?
image via Modern Hepburn
The only rational appeal to waiting to have babies (for me) is the fact that right now, our lifestyle is not very amenable to babies. We don’t have much money, travel a ton for work, and if I were to take a year off to be pregnant, I doubt I’d be getting my paycheck– running sponsors don’t really give out maternity leave. Most likely, my salary would stop completely and be drastically smaller when I would start training again. And then there’s our non-running goals: John wants to go back to school, and trying to balance work (to make money to provide), a baby, and school would probably be difficult for him.
Fitness and babies can totally mix– but without ever having experienced pregnancy, I don’t have any clue how. I’m stuck in that post-marriage, pre-family world, where every decision John and I make seems to have massive impact on when we can start trying to get pregnant.
torturing myself with a “mini mes” Pinterest board. This cutie via 100 Layer Cake!
I met with my doctor last week and let all this anxiety out to her. She assured me that while yes, 35 for women is generally a “get going” age (your chances of having a baby with Down Syndrome does increase, but only slightly), 28 is young for becoming a mother. For men, it’s very unlikely being in your late 30s has much affect on a baby’s health. Her final words to me? “Go for the Olympics.” But while my mind is a bit settled on the matter, my heart really isn’t. Is running worth putting off my dream of a young family? Could I find the discipline and desire to come back to fitness full-time after having a baby? Why are there so many health scares about age and pregnancy?
So what do you think? If you’re a mom now, how did you and your husband decide to start your family? If you’re pregnant now, how are you fitting fitness in? If you’re a newlywed (or not) and are considering this entire issue– what are your thoughts? How are you leaning? It’s a big, big topic and I have no clue really where to start…
February 07, 2013 at 8:54 pm, Jeannine @ Small & Chic said:
I think there’s a huge difference between correlation and causation. The internet would have you believe that you’ll have cobwebs in side you by the time you hit 28, but no one can predict exactly how things will go for you.
There is likely to be a chorus of people who will say “it’s never the perfect time, just do it.” I personally think kids are worth a tad more planning than that.
February 07, 2013 at 10:14 pm, Annie said:
Man, I wish I knew the answer to this one. My parents were both older than average in having kids so I never planning on having kids that young, but I definitely understand this stress. How do you know when you’re ready? How can you balance out family with other life goals? How can I possibly add kids to the mix when I already feel so busy and tired? (Heck, sometimes I think having a dog would make us too busy!) I know that people manage all the time without having everything exactly in order, and you never know what life will throw at you, but it’s so frustrating to grapple with these questions and not have answers.
February 07, 2013 at 10:38 pm, Jamie said:
Wait. My parents were 40 when they had me. I was 23 when I had mine. We all turned out ok. But if say do what you want now, bc once you have a baby, you won’t want to do anything else for at least a year.
February 08, 2013 at 12:21 am, LDP said:
What does John think?
February 08, 2013 at 5:03 am, Frances@Lila said:
Stephanie dear.
I totally hear you on the baby fever, I love me some babies. I think it’s great that you are considering all the pros and cons. My suggestion (since you are in fact asking for imput) is to wait and enjoy the first few years of marriage sans kids, focus on your running dreams and building healthy habits in your relationship and with yourself first.
Once you have a kid, everything changes. You and I are both young and we do have plenty of time. I want to make sure my career and financial situation are really secure before I have a baby. The stat is that one child on average costs 1.5 million dollars to the parents…that’s crazy I know, but it is the average. I know that when I have a child I will want to give him the best of everything so I want to make sure I am in a place to adequately provide when the time comes.
Also, don’t let the thought you have now about wanting 5 kids to determine whether you shoot for the Olympics or not. I used to think I wanted 3 kids, but now, as I get older and the more time I spend with kids and with getting to know myself, I only want a single child. That is to say, your mind might change on that number, especially after you have your first babe.
We live in a time now where people are having fewer kids and there are a lot of good reasons for that, especially when you consider the limited environmental resources in this overpopulated world.
You will know what’s best for you of course.
My husband is 38 and I’m 26 and we are going to wait for 3 more years. I’m not concerned about the health of our baby given our ages, even though he is a bit older. I know that I have a very healthy lifestyle and diet and that this will support me in my pregnancy, so I take the age rules with a grain of salt.
xo
F
February 08, 2013 at 10:21 am, S.R. said:
Ditto everything Frances said. You are young and healthy. Take your time. Get yourself, your relationship, your finances (a friend WITH insurance spent $10k – yes Ten Thousand! – just on hospital bills alone for the birth of her little one) in order. Build up some “before we had you” stories and adventures with John to share one day with your future children.
Also, remember those dishes and laundry you are still trying to get in the habit of doing… um, yeah … multiply those stacks and piles by 100.
xo.
February 08, 2013 at 10:49 am, K said:
Stephanie,
These are big and wonderful things things that you are wrestling with. I don’t think there’s a right and wrong to this, though… everyone’s story is different, and for as much as we want to plan, life is full of surprises.
My parents got married at 22 and had me as a ‘delightful surprise’ at 23. When I asked my mom why they didn’t take more time for themselves (financial stability, etc.) before growing their family, she said that if they had waited until they were ‘mature enough’ they still wouldn’t have children. They still have a sweet marriage and my brothers and I were blessed to grow up in a fun and loving family.
Like you, I too have always wanted a large family and planned to start early, however, my husband and I got married when I was 29 and he was 35. We were and are both healthy for the most part (though not professional athletes by any stretch!) and planned to start our family right away. This did not happen, though, and we went through a painful journey of years of infertility. (I hope this is not something you experience). I am now 34 and my husband is 40. Our first baby was born a few months ago. He is precious and we treasure him beyond words. We do very much hope to have more children, though have come to realize that life may not look the way we plan it, but it is good (and perhaps even better than what we had planned) and is a gift.
More than happy to chat with you in person about any of this
February 08, 2013 at 10:49 am, N.W. said:
Steph, I agree this is a hard decision. But first, raising a child will not cost you 1.5 million dollars. The latest study I found in the wall street journal suggests $300,000 not including the cost of college. Children are expensive, but $1.5 million? That’s a myth. Also, Americans are now having children at just about the population replacement rate, and we actually need MORE children born in this country to support our aging population of baby boomers. But all that aside, your doctor is right that 28 is not too old to have healthy kids.
On the other hand, I wonder if baby longings in newlyweds are at all common. I also got married this fall and have been crazy about babies ever since. I think it’s partly that we’re always looking forward to the next stage in our lives. Once that desire to be married is fulfilled, we want something else. (We’re waiting a few more years to start a family for financial/ career reasons–I’m also in a situation where maternity leave is not available for now– but it’s kind of hard when I see so many of my friends in LOVE with their babies.)
Also, don’t sell yourself short–didn’t you walk on to the track team at UVA? You’ve come a long way. Sounds like someone with discipline and motivation to me!
I think bottom line, don’t make decisions based on fear–either of what it will do to your career, OR of the healthiness/ size of your future family– but do be realistic. Having a family does require sacrifices, but make those choices based on your values and priorities for your family’s life, rather than your worries of “what if???”.
February 10, 2013 at 6:04 am, Frances@Lila said:
Regarding N.W.’s comments…
Averages are hard to come by for sure. But I know for a fact that many of the upper middle class women who spend time on lifestyle blogs can easily spend 300k on a child’s private school education alone (and that’s not including after school activities, sports equipment, clothes, music lessons, summer camp, driving school, sat prep, tutoring, etc etc). There are the Suri Cruises of the world and the welfare kids and a whole range in between, so as I said, averages are hard to come by. I give you that. But any way you put it, kids are expensive.
The idea that America actually needs more kids is ludicrous. Viewing the population issue with such a US-centric mindset is myopic and ignorant. Even if your point of argument is Social Security, that would fall short, considering the kids today won’t be of working age to suppor the aged baby boomers when the time comes.
I’m not sure how much time you’ve spent in third world countries, but from where I’m hanging out right now in India, where the internet is a regressively-taxed luxury, the electricity is cut off more often than it is on, and there are millions of starving children begging on the streets, it is self-evident that what the world certainly does NOT need is more bodies to sustain. Let us also take into account the thousands of malnourished and unprovided for children right down the street from you in America.
Having 5 children in this day and age is simply irresponsible, environmentally, economically and socially – no matter how you spell it out.
I love ya Stephanie, and I don’t want you to take this as a personal attack, because it certainly isn’t…just something for you to consider as you make your choices.
February 10, 2013 at 9:53 am, Stephanie Marie said:
> Frances,
Thank you so very much for your thoughtful and informed comments. I’m not at all offended! This whole piece is sharing my anxiety, worries, and indecision when it comes to children– there are certainly days when I don’t think we should have any at all, for various reasons! I do love the idea of a big, snuggly family, but it doesn’t always work out that way and I’m not expecting it to.
As for the population, energy, food, standard of living issue, I completely understand where you’re coming from and know the very real, stark lifestyle many people are forced to live. John and I have talked adoption; it’s something I’ve also been interested in for a long time. But, for now, the main conclusion I’m coming to is that this just isn’t the time in our life for parenting and children… we do have a lot to do to be “ready,” emotionally and financially (and physically) before we can start a family.
Love and really appreciate you chiming in Frances!! Seriously– you give these convos a special perspective.
February 11, 2013 at 11:51 pm, Frances@Lila said:
Hi Steph -
Glad you weren’t offended. I totally respect what you are saying here. I think adoption can be a wonderful option for some people. I know that when I was in Cambodia a few years ago, it was all I could do to stop myself from adopting a child. There are so many beautiful children without families
Good conversation going on in this post…an important one to be having and thinking about, especially for women our age.
Anyways, how awesome will it be to tell your kids about that time you ran in the Olympics?
xo
F
February 11, 2013 at 5:40 pm, Gabriele Anderson said:
Totally understand your concerns here! I think about when Justin & I will have kids all the time. We’re getting married this fall and will both be 27 at that time. I’ve already committed to running through to 2016 with no baby breaks!
It’s a little sad because I thought I’d start a family well before 30, but it just seems like we’re not quite ready yet either. Justin’s finishing med school and residency will probably be a doozy. I’d feel like I had “unfinished business” with the running if stopped before 2016 or even leave myself wondering “what if” if I did take time off for a baby before then. I think you & John are totally fine to wait until post-2016! My thoughts are that it’s better to be really, really ready than to be not quite ready! 
You can always provide excellent babysitting services in the meantime!