Snapshots: California Dreaming
zuma beach
When you live somewhere other than California, there’s really no better way to vocalize your longing for that great state at this time of the year than to hum a few bars of The Mamas & The Papas’ hit while snuggling closer into your multiple sweatshirt layers. John and I went out to visit Sean for the holidays and spent the entire time hitting up beaches (despite the legit California chill) and practicing our photography. Let’s flashback and chat about what I’ve learned this month…
sean was our constant california model
a 30th birthday cake in la jolla
a surfer out at windansea
This past month, I’ve taken a step back and really reflected and brainstormed on where I am in life right now. Maybe we all feel like this, but this year seems like I’m standing on the edge of a precipice and I’m not sure how far the jump is. There are two lives I want to be living and I’m not quite sure which direction I want to go; in college, I was able to split myself into two and give equally(ish) to running and to my wedding/creative work. But as a professional… it’s getting harder. Especially when being a professional runner requires me to spend a lot of time traveling, training (obviously– it’s officially my day job), and being out of state. It’s a once in a lifetime experience that is asking me to dedicate myself fully to the lifestyle. I want to… and yet, I want to be working on my wedding, styling, and writing more than ever. Can I do both? That’s a query I’m still trying to work out. You know when people say, “Do one thing and do it well”? I want to do two things and do them both well. I’m not sure if I can.
classic california in santa monica
surf & skate, all day erry day
the pool house in our pacific palisades backyard
The other thing I’ve been preoccupied with is my happiness level. Okay, okay, so we all have self-esteem problems at one point or another, but with my change in status– married– and my crazy schedule, I feel farther away from my close friends, unsure if I’m as important to certain people as I once thought, and struggling with esteem when it comes to collaborating and new projects. “Can I ask this person to contribute? Will they say yes? Does this sound dumb? I’m just this young girl who doesn’t know anything, they won’t take me seriously.”
reflecting
my gorgeous bearded man in la jolla
malibu
Last night, when coming down from a race high and feeling a little sad (hey, I’m a girl), I stumbled upon this quote:
“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for. It doesn’t interest me how old you are, I want to know if you are willing to risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine. It doesn’t interest me where you live or how rich you are, I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and be sweet to the ones you love. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and truly like the company you keep in the empty moments of your life.” — Jon Blais
i had to include this “diva” shot– freezing and bundled up in la jolla!
malibu
new puppy!! (not ours, don’t worry.) she was a doll
That line– “truly like the company you keep”– stuck with me. Do you spend most of your time with people you actually like? How much of your day is spent in the company of people who excite you, who give you joy, who you want to bring happiness to, who you love? I wrote a list of people I love. So many of the names on the list are people I rarely get to see. What does that mean?
the boys heading out for a surf in manhattan
hipster in malibu
instagramming in malibu
What have I learned this month? That I have a lot more self-exploration to go through before I come to any real conclusions. What I want, what I want my life to look like– big picture and everyday– and who I want to be a part of it. I know, this all sounds so dramatic, but sometimes it take a bit of drama to make decisions and “figure it out.” I’ve lost a bit of courage since my last track and field season and since getting married– and I need to get back to my old badass self. To get me back in the groove, I’ve jotted up some monthly plans, some business and personal strategies, and schemed up a few schemes– and am starting to feel a little more focused.
sean, ever a good sport, in malibu
overexposed in zuma
How has your first moth been? 1 out of 12 nearly down. It’s been a good little month and a fun, if not thoughtful, start to the year– I hope you’ve had some time to reflect on your lifestyle, feel amazing about yourself, and plan out your year ahead.
January 28, 2013 at 2:30 pm, Quiana said:
Now I need to book a trip to CA! I haven’t been in 5 years and I miss it. Speaking of happiness if you haven’t already definitely check out the documentary “Happy.” SO good and addresses exactly some of the things you’re feeling. It really helped me reassess a few things.
January 28, 2013 at 3:53 pm, Stephanie Marie said:
> Quiana! 5 years is way too long
Thank you for the doc recommendation!! I think I’ve heard of that one, but haven’t had a chance to check it out– I’ll put it in my queue now!
January 28, 2013 at 5:26 pm, Courteney said:
Steph– these pics are truly gorgeous, and your writing’s so good! Give yourself plenty of time and space to think and just be and everything will work itself out. It’s only natural to feel a little out of sorts when you’re transitioning from one life phase to the next.
You rock!